Women should be obscene and not heard.

This journal is over 6 years old.

I've been thinking that I need to go back to school. For what, I don't know. Cooking, baking, or agriculture. That's what I'm stuck between. I don't want to work in a restaurant or a bakery or on a farm. I'm fine working at a minimum wage job (for now) because I can pay the bills (barely) just fine. I've settled for a mediocre life. Or that's what everyone tells me. Co-workers and friends are majoring in Engineering, English, Economy, etc.

I get this impression that I should be doing something, somewhere. Yet I thought I was done moving around. I was sick of that. Sick of moving to different cities and states. I'm happy here in Vancouver. I would love nothing more than to buy a house, away from the city and start a garden and just live. It's a dream that actually has stuck for the past five years.

But I am jealous that all my friends are learning and experiencing new things. I can't understand Math or Science. I used to excel in English, Reading, and Computer Engineering but probably not anymore. Those tools have been rusted for too long. Now, I'm wanting to go to school not to succeed in a career but to challenge my mind. Is it worth the time, effort, and "money"?

I could grab some books and read about these things; gardening, baking, and cooking. Go for it. Trial and error. Save a few hundred dollars. But after that? Am I planning too far ahead now? I want to be healthy. I want to grow things and cook things but I'm sure that's just self-indulgent. There's more to life than growing things and cooking and eating and learning.

I want to get married. By now, I'm just ramming my head against a brick wall. Because after that, what then? Will I be satisfied? Satisfied that Stuart has fully committed, or will I want more again and be completely dissatisfied by life all over again? Do I want to leave him and find someone else who is more willing to be in a serious relationship? Do I need to move away? Do I need to move to California again and re-discover what I want and need? But don't I know that anyways? Learn how to better myself by growing things and cooking? Isn't that rather simple and self-indulgent? Fuck.


Basically, this is the stupidest part of my life. Cross-roads and such.

I got my birth control all figured out with a huge thanks to Planned Parenthood. It'll be a million dollars cheaper (especially if Stu holds true and pays for half of it) and it's a different than what I've been on for the past, oh...six years. I'm super excited.

And then she told me to go and do a pap smear. :(

I don't wanna.

It is really frustrating to be uninsured. I mean, it's totally do-able. There are really great organizations here in Vancouver that help people who are uninsured. The hardest part is getting this whole birth control thing down. I've been speaking to Planned Parenthood because going to their clinic is out of the way when you don't have a car and you're not pregnant and basically this can be done through the internets and phone calls to get birth control. (They can totally mail it to me. Convenience!) But at the end of the day, I'm still going to have to pay $50 a month for birth control.

When I told Stu he was like OMGWTF. So now he's offering to pay for half every month. I just don't know how I feel about that. I mean, I think about it and it seems right because it's both our responsibility to remain...well, responsible about our reproductivity. But then, I've been paying for it this whole time at a more expensive cost of $60. But I guess he just thinks that's temporarily. Yeah. Money temporarily leaving my bank account and a rapid rate.

Btw, I have to stop paying for people all the freaking time. I'm pretty sure that's what's making me poor. I gave up coffee and frivolous eating out, etc. So, uh. People. Don't hit me up. I am so not in the moneys anymore. BUT! I can tell you who is...Stu. Go bug him.

It's six o'clock. I have work in two and a half hours. I have no idea if any of my work shirts are clean. I don't really care since I'll be there for about three or four hours to sell candy to a midnight showing that no one will probably go see. However, good people will be working and that makes me a little happy.

Also, my dad is in town. I just got back from having dinner with him. Tomorrow, we're going to go see a movie and then dinner again. I really miss my dad. He really wants Stu and I to move to California. Somehow, that always comes up when I least expect it. I've told everyone that there's no way in hell that I'm moving to California again. However, I do love the weather and the people are all different. Rude but nice because really, they don't want to waste their time and ultimately yours. Everything is much, much faster down there. The missions are there and so is the beautiful beach. I could go back to school and not worry about working and meeting the bills on time.

However, I would have to live with my parents again.


Tangent. I have the entire weekend off because I was suppose to go to Seattle but now I'm not. Luckily, the weather is going to be awesome so maybe I'll convince some people to go hang out and have fun. Probably will contact Maija. I need more friends in Vancouver too.

I made a whole journal entry without mentioning Stu!


....crap.

Stupid Star Trek meeting my obsessive behavior. I am completely obsessed with it.

Stupid stupid new Star Trek movie. :(

I recall him saying something along the lines that I never, ever do anything new or exciting.

Sure, I probably have some anxiety issues. Sure, I get panic attacks when I'm in a car.

But I always invite him every time I go to Saturday market. I always invite him to go to Seattle and California with me.

I know he's disappointed that I didn't go to Werewolf. I don't like IRL Role Playing games. I don't do D&D. I don't do that stuff because it's weird for me. Especially with strangers. And no matter how much you try and re-explain the whole principle of Werewolf to me, it doesn't sound the least appealing. I know it's fun. Why? Because you go every single month. (Once a month, game.)

Maybe if you go to Saturday Market with me (not for political reasons either, jerkface), I'll go to Werewolf. After all, relationships are about compromises. And a good compromise leaves everyone unhappy but satisfied.


It's not even worth it some days, folks. Seriously. I'm always the bad guy.

Sometimes the only thing that is keeping me here is knowing that I would regret leaving.


But sometimes...I really want to leave him.

I hate living with boys. ;_;

I hate feminists. So much.

My new favorite song: "Eagle on a Pole" by Conor Oberst and the Mystic Valley Band.

Listen to it. Trust me.

"Jesus off in the water,
standing on his feet.
Yeah, that's the thing about charisma,
it makes everyone believe
that there is nothing impossible.
When I'm with you and when you're with me
I got a sad sinking feeling
That will never be."

I'm loving this new Conor Oberst. He has really grown up. I feel like I've grown up with my favorite bands. Death Cab's new album is about getting married and being afraid it. Fuck.

I am not one for censorship. Therefore, this will not be under a cut.

This is too much information for my sister, probably but here goes. So, I'm having sex. Woo! It's going great, it's loving and rough and awesome. Like it always is. Except, all of a sudden; there is a great pain going on. Like a combination of cramping and being punched in the gut. And then I can't breathe.

Well, I can breathe out just fine. I can't breathe in. And it was really fucking scary. Eventually, I could talk but my body wants a deep breath in and that hurts. So I keep saying, "I can't breathe" because at least when I talk like that, I can get some air in. Anyways. Then it's over. Just like that. I can breathe and there's no pain whatsoever.

It reminds me of the John Irving book, Until I Find You where she couldn't have sex unless she was on top and in control. Otherwise there was great cramping pain and I think she eventually died from it.

But yes. Now, I'm bleeding. Not dark red but light red blood. It doesn't hurt. And Google doesn't help me at all. Fuck you, Google. I'm going to WebMD.

When it comes to politics, I feel like Hudson Hornet from the movie Cars. I don't give a damn about it. I talk down about it in (most) conversations. Ever since it gave up on me, I've turned my back on it.

But secretly, I'm waiting for something (or someone) new to revive any hope in me. I'm waiting for a god damn Lightning McQueen.

So, I love to cook. I never do but I love it. In California, it's like I'm expected to cook. Which isn't a bad thing. And I make really good things.

But when I'm home, I hate it. I hate how I'm expected to clean up afterward even though I'm usually in the (hot) kitchen for an hour, cooking and measuring and the last thing I want is to clean up. I'm sorry but I'm not going to. So I don't cook when I'm home. But man...I love to cook. It's my easel.

lkadjfalk. I do but I don't want to go into culinary school. Damn yoooou.


Also, my nails are too long. They look nice but it sucks balls to type. BALLS.

I start off to complain. It's a journal. It's what it's for.

The room is abnormally warm and the computer fan is loud. It's far away in a place that I've never been. But I can tolerate all of that. In fact, it is fun. But I miss Stu. That's intolerable.

But I think I like missing him. It gives me something to look forward to.

I'm almost done watching the first season of Monarch of the Glen. Scottish dramas, ftw!

So, my flight leaves at 11:25am from PDX and ETA is 1:50pm in Santa Ana. Which is about 30 minutes away from my parent's house.

I'm nervous but excited. I'm also a little miserable. A whole week without Stuart. And I really hate saying that. I'm not a pathetic girl who can't live without her man but I'm not exactly jumping through hoops. (What am I; a show dog?)

I will also miss work and Steve and my cats and my hamster. More importantly, I will miss my Stu who calms me and talks me down from my craziness. Who is my rock.

I should be more excited. It's only a week. I can only think of; a week without my bed, a week without Stu, a week without getting coffee with Ivana, a week without staying up really late with Steve and Dale watching infomercials, a week without work (yes, it's a bad thing. I love work.), . I just don't want to go.

Yet I know it's just the apprehension that's getting me. I will be happy once I'm in California. When I leave Portland, it will be in the high 40's and I will arrive in California in the 60's. Whoo!

However, I checked the report and it's going to be in the mid-50's on Sunday in LA. Fuuuck. Why must Washington follow me?!

So, basically. I bought a hamster today. His name is Bait.

And then Stuart was like, "Hey. You can't just separate him from his brother. We need to take his brother too." So we have two hamsters. Bait and Hook.


We're pretty confident the cats won't try and get to them too bad. I mean, I had Midnight and Gawaine when I have Chester and we only had one mishap for the year and a half I had him.


Yep, this is a start of a beautiful friendship.

I'm suppose to feel happy.


I am lonely though. Really lonely. I feel like I just got stabbed right in the middle of my heart.

I want a lover I don't have to love.