What I wrote in this again? What if I began writing. Haphazardly throwing up words and meanings and sentences like they fucking mean things again. Carving what I think of the world on the internet. For them to never, ever wash away. I find my old worlds from ten years ago, still floating around. And I think, "Wow. That was good for what it was." That was ten years ago?
That was ten years ago. This is what it's like to age.
I honestly can't believe I'm going to be a married woman on Wednesday.
It's my 22nd birthday today. And the clock turned midnight while I was in his arms.
Happy birthday to me. <3
Going to go see True Grit with Vince and Ivana. Here's hoping it's good!
So, I'm heading back to Santa Fe.
Look back then look away.
Way that blue sky fades, feels like I'm running away.
Baby, I know you see just how hard it is for me.
To unpack clothes and shoes and stay right here with you.
It seems like this was easier when I was younger. The blank page didn't intimidate me like it does now. Perhaps because I know what the consequences could be. Perhaps because back then, I wanted to leave this town. And now, I can't fathom the thought of leaving.
I don't know.
Sometimes, I think it was Pranzo that did this to me. I was a full-time student and worked two part-time jobs. And in an instant, I was accused of stealing. I was verbally abused by their radical Christian owners. I have never stole anything in my entire life, except watches from friends and clothes from my sister. After that, I was too scared to try anything else. I don't blame my lack of money on the economy. I blame myself. I spend too much and work too little.
I'm scared of being accused for something I didn't do. I'm scared of failure. I'm scared of driving. I'm scared of flying. I'm scared to get married, so I don't. I don't do any of these things. People think it must be exhausting, but it's not. It's just embarrassing. (Things aren't wrong. I'm just a human. I don't want to forget.)
Suddenly last night, I couldn't find you.
You ran beneath the plume of smoke.
And all your sisters, they ran after you.
When did you know that you were chosen?
I'm nervous, not scared. Moving out. Taking on the world in a brand new way. Where will I be this time next year? Will he still be by my side or will he be gone by then?
All I know is that I was in a rut. Doing the same things day after day. Starting next weekend, I'll be out of this apartment. Hopefully, he can stay on. Hopefully, he won't let go. Because as much as he drives me crazy and as much as he pisses me off; he's my soul mate. He's my man.
And I have this feeling. I'm not going to let go. The ball is in his court.
Let me rewind the things I said that made it rain inside your eyes.
I keep missing you.
You want to meet up to tell me why, why and how
You had the heart to fuck up my whole life.
That's just so you.
Now I've moved on, found myself.
And maybe I won't forgive
I'll just forget you lived.
And I hope it hurts
Wasn't it me you tried to blame?
Wasn't it me you threw away?
How am I suppose to juggle all these emotions?
You like to fuck up all at once, don't you?
It sometimes feels like a step backwards. Looking at our relationship from a different perspective. I called off the engagement and announced that I'm moving out after our lease is up.
But it's something that I think I need to do. I have never lived on my own before. Not to mention, I'm moving out from living with two boys and moving in with two girls. It'll be refreshing not having to constantly clean up after Steve. Or constantly cooking for two boys and myself. And the bathroom! The bathroom, you guys. I just...need this.
I am afraid of what will happen to my relationship with Stuart. Maybe this will push us to break up but I hope not. I hope this strengthens our relationship. We've never not lived with each other.
I am afraid of moving in with two friends. Living with family is easier. Living with your boyfriend is easier. I really hope nothing horrible happens and ruins our friendships. But if it does, it does. I need this experience. I need to be alone for awhile.
But I will always need him more.